Thursday, April 20, 2006

Maria Rasputin Mauled In Peru


Gather 'round children because I'm about to tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a big, black Himalayan bear, named Himmie, who darn near killed Rasputin's daughter, Maria, right here in ol' Peru.

Now, who's Rasputin you ask? Well, some call him the Mad Monk, but to others, he was a noble man. He lived back in the days when Russia had an aristocracy; before the commies took over. Well, Rasputin was supposed to have all kinds of magical powers and he had a lot of influence with Tsar Nicholas II and Tsarina Alexandra. There were lots of folks who didn't like Rasputin, he was a womanizer and a drunk, so they had him killed...again and again. The legend says they poisoned Rasputin, shot him, beat him, and finally, pitched him into a river where he drowned. Who knows what really happened, but it makes for a great story, huh kids?

So, Rasputin has a daughter and her name's Maria. After the commies killed her daddy, the Tsar, and Tsarina, little Maria needed a vocation; no, not a vacation, a vocation, she needed a j-o-b. Well, Maria loved animals and she became a lion, tiger, and bear tamer. Being Rasputin's daughter and all, European folks came out in droves to see Maria "hypnotize" the dangerous beasts. To make a long story even longer, Maria landed right here in Peru working for the Hagenbach and Wallace circus.

One day, Maria got in the cage with Himmie and he was doing one of his famous somersaults. Maria's English sounded more like Russian and ol' Himmie accidentally knocked Maria over. She panicked. At that point, 400 pound Himmie decided he liked the taste of Russian and chomped down on Maria fourteen times. A couple of fellas saved her, but she lost lots of blood. It didn't look like Maria would live. They put her up in Dukes Hospital and Dr. Malouf saved her life; just like he did with Clyde Beatty. They even brought leopard cubs up to the hospital to cheer up Maria.

Well, Maria recovered, worked in more circuses, and lived happily ever after.

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